How to Support Someone with Anxiety

How to Support Someone with Anxiety: A Guide to Being a Compassionate Ally

Anxiety can be a heavy burden to carry, and supporting a loved one who is experiencing it requires sensitivity, understanding, and patience. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or partner, your support can make a significant difference in their journey toward feeling better. Here’s how you can offer meaningful support to someone with anxiety:

1. Educate Yourself About Anxiety

Understanding anxiety is the first step in providing effective support. Anxiety disorders are more than just feeling nervous or stressed; they involve intense, persistent worry and fear that can interfere with daily life. Familiarize yourself with common types of anxiety disorders, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Social Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. Knowing what your loved one is experiencing can help you approach the situation with empathy.

2. Listen Actively and Non-Judgmentally

When your loved one wants to talk about their anxiety, listen without judgment or interruption. Allow them to express their feelings and thoughts openly. Validate their experiences by acknowledging that their anxiety is real and significant, even if it seems irrational to you. Sometimes, just having someone who listens can provide immense relief.

3. Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice

It can be tempting to offer solutions or advice, but it’s important to first understand what the person needs. Instead of immediately suggesting ways to fix their anxiety, ask if they’re open to advice or if they simply need a sounding board. Phrases like “I’m here for you” or “What do you need from me right now?” can be more supportive than unsolicited suggestions.

4. Encourage Professional Help

While your support is crucial, anxiety often requires professional intervention. Encourage your loved one to seek help from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor. Offer to assist with finding a provider or accompanying them to their appointments if they’re comfortable with it. However, avoid pressuring them, as they need to make this decision in their own time.

5. Be Patient and Understanding

Anxiety is not something that goes away overnight. Be patient with your loved one’s progress and setbacks. Understand that there may be days when they seem overwhelmed or withdrawn. Reassure them that you’re there for them regardless of their state and avoid taking their behavior personally.

6. Practice Self-Care

Supporting someone with anxiety can be emotionally taxing. Ensure you also take care of your own mental and physical health. Set boundaries to avoid burnout and make time for activities that recharge you. Being in a good place yourself will help you provide better support to your loved one.

7. Help with Daily Tasks

Anxiety can make even simple tasks feel overwhelming. Offer practical support by helping with daily activities such as grocery shopping, cooking, or running errands. These small gestures can alleviate some of the stress and help your loved one focus on their well-being.

8. Encourage Healthy Coping Strategies

Support your loved one in exploring and adopting healthy coping mechanisms. This might include exercise, mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in hobbies. Encourage them to try different strategies to see what works best for them, but be supportive of their choices without pushing them into anything they’re uncomfortable with.

9. Avoid Minimizing Their Feelings

Statements like “Just relax” or “It’s not a big deal” can be harmful. Anxiety is a real and challenging condition, and minimizing it can make your loved one feel misunderstood or invalidated. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and offer reassurance that their emotions are valid.

10. Celebrate Their Progress

Recognize and celebrate the small victories and progress your loved one makes. Acknowledging their efforts, no matter how small, can boost their confidence and motivation. Positive reinforcement helps them feel supported and valued throughout their journey.

Conclusion

Supporting someone with anxiety requires compassion, patience, and understanding. By educating yourself, listening actively, encouraging professional help, and practicing self-care, you can play a crucial role in helping your loved one manage their anxiety. Remember, your support can be a powerful source of strength and comfort, and together, you can navigate the challenges of anxiety with hope and resilience.

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It’s not always easy to know how to support a friend or family member who has an anxiety especially if you’re worried that what you say or do might inadvertently make their anxiety worse.

Fear not: If someone has shared their struggles with you, it’s likely because they trust you. And that means just offering to sit with them and listen can be healing for your loved one.

“Friends and family are important in helping someone cope with an anxiety disorder mainly because they make the individual feel supported, accepted, and reassure them that they are not alone,” says Karol Darsa, PsyD, a trauma psychologist and the founder of the Reconnect Center, an integrative trauma treatment center in Los Angeles.

That support is especially meaningful given that, due to stigma, many anxiety-prone people don’t talk about their condition, which can make them feel isolated and increase their anxiety over the long-term.

“Anxiety is a real illness that, like many illnesses, can be treated. If we send signals that anxiety isn’t real or is not something that should be taken seriously, we run the risk of further stigmatizing the person, and that could lead them to avoid seeking care,” says Benjamin F. Miller, PsyD, a primary care psychologist and an adjunct professor of psychiatry and public mental health and population sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine in California.

If someone you care about has an anxiety disorder, here are some of the best ways you can support them, according to experts.

1. Validate Their Feelings by Letting Them Know It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Many people with anxiety struggle with frequent worries or fears about the past or the future, and these thought patterns aren’t easy to change, Dr. Miller says.

“Don’t ignore their feelings no matter how much you don’t get it,” Miller says. “Let your loved one know that it’s okay to feel however they feel. Validate them and their emotions. Being there means being there in a nonjudgmental way.”

2. Don’t Tell Them to Calm Down

It may sound like an innocent comment, but telling someone with anxiety to simply stop feeling what they’re feeling isn’t a good idea. Although the person you care about may seem fine on the outside, they’re likely experiencing immense distress, fear, and physical symptoms caused by anxiety like sweating or racing heartbeat, which all feel very real to them, Dr. Darsa says.

“If you use phrases like ‘Stop worrying,’ they can feel invalidated and misunderstood, which could have a negative consequence,” says Darsa. “Moreover, if they feel judged and invalidated, it may prevent them from seeking help or working on their anxiety struggles.”

Instead, simply say something like, “I’m here if you’d like to talk about what’s on your mind,” or “I see you’re feeling anxious. What can I do to help right now?”

3. Encourage Them to Focus on Things They Can Change

Often, many people with anxiety may see small problems as massive, even insurmountable hurdles. To help them gain some insight and perspective, don’t deny their worries. Acknowledge that while they may not be able to control the whole situation, there likely are aspects of the situation they do have some control over.

“Have a conversation about what’s controllable and not,” suggests Miller. “Sometimes anxiety comes about because we try to control things that we just simply can’t. Having that conversation can allow them to process their feelings and what they can or can’t do about their worries.”

4. Help Them Learn New Coping Strategies

Another way to support a loved one with anxiety is to educate yourself on effective coping tools and skills that your loved one is using. That way you can encourage them to use some of those tools when they are anxious, Darsa says.

In this way, you are supporting them to help themselves become calmer in moments when they feel their anxiety is worsening.

For instance, you might practice “grounding exercises” together that help redirect their focus away from whatever is making them anxious back to the here and now.

One example of a grounding exercise is to focus on their immediate physical environment (the room they are in, for example) and then name:

Five things they see
Four things they feel (such as “chair on my back” or “feet on the floor”)
Three things they can hear
Two things they can smell
One thing they can taste

In addition, if they’re willing to discuss their treatment options, you might encourage them to try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), if they haven’t already. Administered by trained mental health professionals, CBT is geared toward helping people identify and change the negative thinking and behavioral patterns that make them prone to significant anxiety.

CBT is considered an evidence-based treatment because there is so much research showing it’s effective for anxiety disorders. In just one example, a meta-analysis of 69 studies found that CBT treatment reduced symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder in the short term — and that the reduction in symptoms could still be seen within 12 months after participants completed treatment.

5. Discourage the Use of Alcohol or Drugs to Cope With Anxiety

It’s not uncommon for people with anxiety disorders to drink or use drugs to try to relieve their symptoms or take the edge off daily stressors. For instance, people with social anxiety may turn to alcohol because they feel it lessens their anxiety.

But overdoing alcohol can have serious long-term consequences, including an additional mental health condition: alcohol use disorder. People with anxiety disorders are two to three times more likely than the general population to have an alcohol or other substance abuse disorder at some point in life.

If you’re concerned about your loved one’s alcohol or substance use, let them know what you’ve noticed in a gentle and nonjudgmental way, says Miller.

“Talk about what’s going on (or not) and just listen,” he suggests. “People want to be heard and that may lead to more opportunities to address things like problem drinking.”

“If you notice a loved one using substances to cope with their anxiety, it’s important to encourage them to use healthier coping methods, such as mindfulness, meditation, exercise, or other forms of self-care,” adds Darsa.

And if you notice any of the following symptoms of substance use disorders, suggest that they reach out to their doctor or a mental health professional for help:

Feeling that you need to use a substance regularly
Having problems at work or school due to drinking or drug use
Having a desire for the substance that supersedes all other thoughts
Having trouble stopping drinking or using drugs
Having withdrawal symptoms if you stop using the substance
Needing more alcohol or drugs over time to get the same effect
Needing to maintain a certain supply of a substance
Spending money you don’t have on drugs or alcohol
Stealing (or other actions you normally wouldn’t do) so you can access the substance
Driving or other risks while under the influence

How to Support Someone with Anxiety